What a difference a gay makes

Tomorrow I am presenting a lecture on the benefits of ‘diversity’ in the workplace. It’s fair to suggest I struggle to maintain an academic façade. I feel like Anne Boleyn haunting Hampton Court when I walk the corridors of the second rate educational establishment I am working for at the moment. This morning I selected the students I will be personally tutoring on looks alone. ’ I simply can’t work with ugly people’, I trilled as I examined the images on the application packs.

History of The World

The Romans did not build great civilisations by having meetings, they did it by killing everyone who stood in their way.

Gifted and talented

I am the excited owner of a staple gun (did anyone see The Wrestler?) I have been reupholstering chairs in Toile De Jouy. I started with the simple project of covering the chairs in my dining zone. One corner of my living space now resembles Petit Trianon I think I have shown real promise and shall be moving on to the moth eaten sofa tomorrow.

Such a comfort

My mother just told me two things ‘you are never happy unless you have something to worry about’ and ‘smarten yourself up’. Nothing unusual about mothers making tactless and irritating comments except this, mine died in 1986. If you feel the need to be criticised by the immortal nit picking undead then head to The Spiritualist Church, 13 Pembridge Place W2 Wednesdays at 7.30. The whole experience was quite traumatising, I had to run home fast to press icecubes against my heart lest it defrosted entirely but I will be going back next week to see if she gives me the lottery numbers (dressed smart!)

Oh Lord can you see, by the dawns early light ..

In NYC no one cooks anything at home ever, I once shocked a friend I was staying with by asking if he had coffee ‘Oh no ‘ he admonished ‘ I never cook!’ . He proudly whizzed open a kitchen draw which instead of being full of the usual array of deadly kitchen paraphernalia was stuffed with take away menus. It was an excellent system – you just pick up the phone, order dinner and a Mexican kid shows up with it 20 minutes later. Food is inexpensive – delivery is free – which means you can afford to give a substantial tip to aforementioned Mexican in an attempt to offset your own discomfort regarding the endemic racism of North America. I just made a vegetarian Shepherds Pie – which confirmed to me that I never want to cook again - I f**king hate it , carrying the stuff home was exhausting, then I had to do everything – touching the vegetables makes my fingers feel all crinkly – loads of washing up , nearly got burnt , major cleaning operation afterwards - hideous!

The oldest trick in the book

One evening in Soho I was hanging out with this man I should have avoided like the plague. He suggested that we go to a brothel together. ‘To do what, exactly?’ I asked. All manner of scenarios ran though my mind none of which I liked the look of. He made no reply and instead ushered me towards Berwick Street. I was secretly panicking, firstly because I couldn’t remember what underwear I had on and secondly as a vegetarian I am not a fan of exploitative relationships. My companion, however loved hookers, he was constantly bragging to anyone who would listen about how many he had slept with. He insisted on giving me money if I slept with him – I took it to keep him happy the first time but after that depressing experience I insisted upon it. He was a silly old fool, but not unkind and god knows he was quick. We turned down a piss soaked alleyway off the market; strangely no red light was apparent at the blackened windows above. I silently berated myself for being incapable of forming the word ‘no’. We finally got to the door way and there on the security gate hung a handwritten sign ‘CLOSED DUE TO LEAK’ I practically clapped with delight.
Anyway today I got an email from a friend who is campaigning against a government bill proposing to make paying for sex illegal. He asked me to sign an online petition and I declined because I never met a prostitute who operated within the law and I certainly don’t give a toss about punters rights. Anyway most of them are so gross they should be prosecuted for crimes of an aesthetic nature. Friend became ‘beyond human aid’ with indignation, cancelled our date for this evening and took to his bed. I did eventually back down and sign just to keep him happy.

And the ones that mother gives you ......

Age ten, I took my first over dose when my mum told me she was getting married (THE NEXT DAY) and that we would be leaving my grandparents house where we lived to share a new rented house in a couple of miles away with Jimmy! He was a dark haired man she had been seeing for a couple of months. Occasionally he brought me gifts that I stamped on - I imagine the happy couple suspected news of their union would not be well received, hence the delay with my invitation.
My overdose consisted of a topiary of the contents of my grandparents medicine cupboard. I guess I swallowed a heady concoction of paracetamol, blood pressure pills and Haliborange washed down with Buttercup Syrup. My whole family stayed up late to await relatives arriving from the South. I passed out and unconcerned they put me to bed.
The next morning I awoke to discover that heaven looked very much the same as my tiny purple wallpapered box room. Gordon the goldfish rolled his eyes at me. I came fast to the conclusion that I had been defeated rather than saved. My mum had hung a new dress on my wardrobe - it was blue and white and it had a fabric belt - plain on one side, printed on the other. Later as she helped me put it on she explained that it was 'reversible'.